To: Those Who Are Rich

I'm reading this book called Stories for the Heart: The Second Collection, which is, as it says, a collection of heart-warming stories (Think: Chicken Soup for the Soul), most of which have a religious morality or ending to them. Here's one I just read & wanted to puddle around in for awhile:

This particular story is written by Marion Doolan from The Bigness of the Fellow Within

Lady, are you rich?

They huddled inside the storm door - two children in ragged outgrown coats.

"Any old papers, lady?"

I was busy. I wanted to say no - until I looked down at their feet. Thin little sandals, sopped with sleet. "Come in and I'll make you a cup of hot cocoa." There was no conversation. Their soggy sandals left marks upon the hearthstone.

I served them cocoa and toast with jam to fortify against the chill outside. Then I went back to the kitchen and started again on my household budget...

The silence in the front room struck through to me. I looked in.

The girl held the empty cup in her hands, looking at it. The boy asked in a flat voice, "Lady...are you rich?"

"Am I rich? Mercy no!" I looked at my shabby slip covers.

The girl put her cup back in its saucer - carefully. "Your cups match your saucers." Her voice was old, with a hunger that was not of the stomach.

They left then, holding thier bundles of paper against the wind. They hadn't said thank you. They didn't need to. They had done more than that. Plain blue pottery cups and saucers. But they matched. I tested the potatoes and stirred the gravy. Potatoes and brown gravy, a roof over our heads, my man with a good steady job - these things matched, too.

I moved the chairs back from the fire and tidied the living room. The muddy prints of small sandals were still wet upon my hearth. I let them be. I want them there in case I ever forget again how very rich I am.

How rich are you guys?

I don't know about you, but even in my very circumstance I've got four walls around me, a bed with pillows and a blanket, a kitchen with food, and my mother & sister here with me.

How rich am I? Deuteronomy 8:10-18. It's a good one. Here's a bit of it: (17-18) You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." But remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today.

This morning my mom and I got quite busy cleaning up the apartment, dusting, putting away things, scrubbing, etc. I worked for hours on my room. I moved around furniture, now that we've been here for a few months I've realized where things should be due to necessity, so that's good! I added some new elements to my room, hung things up on the wall, and am in the process of doing 5 loads of laundry. It looks splendid, I could tell you that. Things are color coordinated (I'm quite a neat freak in that ideal) and everything seems to match. My things match.

One of the pastors at my church last Summer said something to all of us college kids that kind of stuck with me. We were talking about fellowship and watching out for, as well as taking care of, your brothers and sisters. He said to check in with each other, with your friends, with non-friends even. We're all brothers & sisters, so why not? He said it could be as simple as going up to a friend and saying "How's your heart these days?" It'll be an invitation for each of you to check your own heart.

So here I am, in my spick-and-span cleaned-up room saying to myself, "How's your heart these days?" Without going too much into detail - yes, things aren't as wonderful as they could be, and I'm working on it, but everything matches. Matches in the sense that, I'm loved by Christ, by my mother & father, my sister, my boyfriend, my best friends, my family. I love them equally back. So...matches. It all matches.

The things in between my four walls, sure, they match. But they're not where my wealth is. You could check my wallet or savings account too! I can assure you, that ain't where my wealth is. If you want to know where my wealth is just ask me how my heart is doing. :)

From: Me

To: Ye of Little Faith

Do you ever feel like this guy in the picture? "Finding my faith" says his sign. I've proclaimed Christ as my savior for a long while, I still hold up that same sign. The finding part is not so much a search for salvation or even redemption in one form or another, I know where love & grace comes for. The finding part of my sign is more of a What Am I Going to Do With My Life for His Glory plea.
Tonight after he got off work, Prince Charming stopped by...with pie. :D I mean, it was already enough for my little heart to go pitter patter that he was able to come over, but top it off with delicious, wonderfully baked, perfectly crusted khalua pie in hand!!! We splayed ourselves on the small sofa with Mama & Sissy while we watched tv & ate pie. It wasn't until after he left that I realized that for the entirity of his visit, I wasn't relaxed. I hadn't relaxed. While everyone was laying out with their feet up on the faux leather ottomans, I kinda just sat there, somewhat stiff-backed, just sitting. I couldn't relax.
Once PC had left, I texted him an apology for any awkwardness I gave off. I had things on my mind, and I couldn't relax. He asked what things were on my mind and I replied 'The usual :\ Money worries & looking for a job.'
To which he replied: Matthew 6:25-34! Read it now!
~
Now, PC & I have been working on growing spiritually together, and giving each other verses throughout the day is something we're trying out. It's still fairly new to him, sharing his faith, so just the fact that he'd sent me a verse & said read it now!!! to me, meant that A) it was something very important, and B) he's the most wonderful guy in the world for kicking my worrisome butt with good ol' fashioned Biblical backup!! :P
~
Here it is: Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
First of all, it says DO NOT WORRY ABOUT YOUR LIFE. Didya get that?? I read it twice through trying to make it stick in my brain! Here it is again: DO NOT WORRY ABOUT YOUR LIFE!
Second of all, it even says, worrying does nothing to improve your life. It does you no good.
Third of all, and most important, TRUST IN OUR HEAVENLY FATHER, HE KNOWS WHAT YOU NEED. SEEK FIRST HIS KINGDOM & HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS. Don't worry. Why would you? Trust God! He is ALMIGHTY! ALMIGHTY!!!! That's not like He's a cool guy, or pretty neat. Nope. He's ALMIGHTY. He knew you before you were born. He loves you. Trust in His perfect plan, may not be what you thought, wanted or hoped for - but if you SEEK FIRST HIS KINGDOM AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS, you'll realize (and by you, I mean me) that He'll keep you. You're kept. So trust Him.
I don't know if I'll get a job today, tomorrow or two months from now. I don't know if I'll be financially set. I don't know if I'll be able to pay off student loans. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. But He does.
I'll continue to trust in His timing with the help of someone who has already shown me God's blessings when you least expect them. :)

From: Me

To: The World's Crackberry Users

Crackberry User: [krak-BER-eee yoo-ZER] - noun 1. A person who loves, with all of his or her heart, their Blackberry. To this user (which is in a class far beyond regular cellular users), their phone is an extension of their being. They've developed some kind of [healthy] addiction to ther phone because it's much, much, more than just a phone.

I, am one such user.

And I...are you ready for this?...suffered a tragic & dramatic event last evening. Yes, this is true. My beloved Blackberry was lost for the longest 40 minutes of my life. This is the story:

I was working yesterday afternoon with the middle school ministry for our monthly fair. It's a huge, indoor event (yes, indoor: read: earplugs are totally necessary), with about 10 large inflatable games and almost 200 middle schoolers running a rampage. We've got everything from a Wii station with Rockband, to a full inflatable obstacle course and boxing ring (my personal favorite cause I kick boo-tay. No lie y'all). This is a time separate from weekly youth group. This monthly fair is an opportunity for our "regular" students to invite their friends & come to church to play. Then, while we trap them with games, food, and fun, we give them a friggin awesome worship sess. & a sermon at the end.

I was tired. Haha. Beyond tired, but I can't think of a word to suffice. I worked the obstacle course all night, jumped up & down with the kids during worship, and was put on "cell phone patrol" during the sermon. WOW. PAUSE. That's RIIIIIDICULOUSLY IRONIC. I DID NOT GET THE PREDICTIVE REFERENCE, BUT NOW I DO. Anyway (you'll get it when I'm done), when the fair finished, the leaders & I stayed behind to help clean up, etc. About a half hour later, I walked out, and upon getting to my car, I got a chill so I threw my purse in the carseat, and put my wonderful, beautiful, amazing phone on the roof of the car while I put on my sweater.

:'( ready for the heartbreak?

I forgot it was there. I got in, drove off. Oh the humanity!!!

It wasn't until I had turned out of the church onto the highway (which is a 55 by the way) that I heard a thump on the roof & immediately panicked. I mean. I've never felt my heart drop like that. I didn't even have time to speak, I just pulled over, made a U-y somewhere and was on my way back around all the while saying "NO! NO!!!! NOOOOO!!" as if my phone was my right hand that I'd just lost. While I turned to head back to the church to make another U-y, I heard another thump & again my heart dropped. I stopped on the side of the road, got out, checked, and nothing was on the top of the car. :'( My eyes teared up. *I'm not making this up, don't make fun of me. I love my phone.

My phone. It has all the text messages that my Love & I have sent to each other since before we started dating. I reread those messages because they make me smile!! So the thought of losing them for good was crushing me.

Then, I turned around, went back on the highway where I first heard the thumps, turned on my high beams and found absolutely nothing on the road. :\ I panicked again. Had someone picked it up? Or crushed it to it's molecule!?!? I turned around again & found nothing, so I drove to the church to see if my some act of God I had dropped it in the parking lot, and the thumps were just imaginary. But no such luck. My eyes got a little misty, and then my heart sank when I remembered all the text messages I'd be losing, and how I really don't have enough money to even buy a 20 replacement phone. So leaving the church parking lot, I was going to begrudgingly head home to cry with my mommy, and then right there...at the stop light (before getting to the highway), in the crosswalk right next to me, I see my phone. Blinking away. (My phone constantly blinks a cute little green light, which gave it the nickname - Blinkie). Without another thought, I ran out of the car (don't worry, no one was behind me) and ran to pick up my little phone. **The people stopped at the light must've thought I was nuts.

I cradled the phone back to the car and sped off, shaken and lost.

There were many lessons that screamed at me on my way home last night.

#1. The importance of second chances...or sometimes third.

#2. The importance of faith. Some may discard my emotions as a stubborn girl who lost a material thing, but to me it was memories that I didn't want to lose, and couldn't believe I'd been stupid enough to let go so foolishly. Needless to say, I've got to take care of the things I have, better.

While I do consider myself a Crackberry User, I know that it's just a material thing. Just plastic, and electronic-y stuff stuffed inside. But it was the principle behind the event that I took away with me, not a phone. That idea of "Try again." I went back and tried again. In fact I tried to find it 3 gosh darn times. When you want something bad enough, you'll try hard enough. You'll try three times or three hundred. You'll keep trying until you get it.

I'm not a giver-upper. I highly dislike giving up. So that's why I try. Most of the time, I fail. But eventually, I get it right in the end. Be it trying to master a song on the piano, finding someone that I love with all my heart, opening the peanut butter jar cap (my current nemesis), or finding something that's lost, at the end, whether you got it or you didn't, you realize that that's how it's supposed to be.

From: Me

To: All Who Fear

To say that I have nightmares would be somewhat of an understatement. Ever since I was little, I've always been afraid of the average - spiders, clowns, etc. But over the years, and with much unneeded help from movies and tv (I ain't kidding), I've become so paranoid that the fears I have during the day have slipped into my dreams.

Last week I had consecutive nightmares, all different, but all violent and scary, for four nights. I wake up at 2 in the morning, panting, shaken, and cold with fear. Sometimes, if they're real bad, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I can't move...I don't move. I'll stay still for almost half an hour, panicking, analyzing every sound that creeks. This fear has so paralyzed me, that it makes me try and avoid sleep altogether. Needless to say, that didn't work...but did provide me with some excellent bags under my eyes.

Now, it's been creeping into my days as well. Whenever I go out, even in the middle of the afternoon, I get so afraid, that coming up the stairs to my place, I'll run to the door, or run to the car. People, including maybe you, must think I'm silly. I don't know how to explain it, it's just something that's always seemed to plague me.

That's most definitely an area of my life that I have yet to learn to relinquish my absent-minded control that I've naively attempted to keep myself. What a nerd I am. haha. To think that I could talk myself out of my fears, or try and ignore them, or whatever. Guess what hun! God, Almighty, powerful, God is full of love. And in His love for me, I have these fears. That constantly remind me, I am not (not even close to being) in control. It isn't that strange to consider that the God who loves me, also instills in me these fears that keep me awake, in order to teach me a lesson? :) That's where the powerful, omnipotent part comes in.

So, mostly to calm the storm in my brain before I sleep, here's all the passages I found about fear:
Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
**Oddly enough, I used to always say that, sometimes out loud when I couldn't sleep and was petrified of the unknown scary things lurking about. I will fear no evil, for He is with me! :) I gained so much confidence from that.

Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 91:1-7 **This one's the kicker** "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.' Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plauge that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you."

Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

1 John 4:18 "...perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." **Guess what guys, the only perfect love I know of is the love of Christ. Perfect love (aka GOD) drives out fear.

Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears."

Really? Do I need to be so afraid? Not at all. And even if I were, God is mighty. And He kicks fear's butt. :P

From: Me

To: All Who Have Neighbors

My neighbor's a taxi driver. Did I ever mention that?
It's strange because my town isn't exactly the kind of place where you'd expect to need a taxi - but it's nice to know, in case of anything, ya know?

You know how people always say, God puts people in your life for a reason? I believe that. But what about strangers. Even the people you'll never meet. The ones you see every day. You pass by them on your way home, but you don't know them. What purpose in your life do they serve?

Like Mr. Taxi Driver. Often I'll see him when I'm getting home in the afternoon. Sometimes I see him out my window, in a completely non-stalker way, and he'll just be sitting in his bright yellow and orange taxi car, listening to the radio. He's a short white man with lots of facial hair - reminds me of my old neighbor back in Sunny D - he was swell. I've tried making eye contact with Mr. Taxi Driver. I'm anxious to do the neighbor wave/head nod. Even though I don't him. I want to do the neighbor wave. No one here does the Neighbor Wave. Everyone back home did the Neighbor Wave. But here, everyone just kind of runs back to their homes, busy on their cells, busy with their lives. All I'm asking for, is the Neighbor Wave. I don't think it's too much to ask for, after all, all it takes is a hand gesture. =] Makes you appreciate the good things you had once. I had the best neighbors in the entire world, back at home. They knew me, they saw me grow up, we had neighborhood block parties galore. Those were some good people, I'm not saying anything about these people here, all I'm saying, is they were good, pure hearted people. =] I want to be that kind of neighbor when I get older.
I'll come home from work, be getting my stuff out of the car, and just before I duck into home, I'll look back at my neighbor, and Neighbor Wave. =]

From: Me

To: All Who Eat

I can't fit in my jeans anymore.
=[
I don't think I'll go to class tomorrow due to severe distress caused by non-fitting clothes. Hahaha. If only that would work. :P

I went to a friend's Bachelorette Party on Friday (my first one!!) and her Bridal Shower yesterday. I ate moderately, as I have been for most of my freshman year. Without giving too much away, let's just say, I couldn't put on 3 pairs of pants today. I had to do the jeans dance to shimmy them on, then it was murder trying to close them. hahaha. Oh God! This is pathetic! hahaha. I was literally sweating and only inhaling, trying to pull the dang zipper up - never has such a tiny piece of metal become such a large enemy of mine. =\

And now. Even as I'm writing this, I'm about to sit & eat (for the third..no fourth time today?) and have an Argentine feast. Lord, help me. =]


UPDATE: BloggerBreak from fooding. I couldn't even make it through the filet mignon. Impossible. Barely finished the mashed potatoes, don't even get me started on the chorizo! This is sad! It's not even like I'm eating too fast and then get full...nope! I just can't stuff anything else down there! Imma need a crowbar to get me out of these pants. God bless the inventor of sweatpants. Worst part: It's not even the holidays! HA! At least then, I'd have an excuse!
Oi vei.
Dessert is being brought out now. It's from my most favorite bakery in the entire world, and I can't even bear to look at it! Oh the dulce de leche! Ai mi corazon! :P Heart palpitations. Hahahaha. Am I overreacting? =\ The circulation's being cut off at my waist. Oh heavens!
From: Me

To: All In Need of Spiritual Surgery

I'm writing before the storm breaks through (read: I've got four essays to write in three days, and one presentation/interview to start & complete in two days :\ Have I mentioned I love to procrastinate?? ;) So, if I'm online within the next couple of days, call me up, and tell me to get my butt into gear! In other words: I'm not allowed to blogify, as per my own guidelines [for success..nah...to graduate is all I care about hahaha].

This week has been an especially blessing-filled week (although, in reality, every week is a blessing-filled week if you look at it) in terms of music & opportunity & hearing some great stories about God's love and what He's doing in the Christian music field.

Tuesday: My wonderful, wonderful, amazing best friend got me birthday tickets to go see Hillsong United in Sunny-D! I loved the entire day! Went to school in the morning, then drove to La Jolla, went down to the beach (goooorgeous), then up to the Best's dorm to reacquaint myself with her life, visited with another friend going to Best's school (we all got some ice cream, courtesy of the Best), went to the Best's house (which I haven't been to in what seems like forever), and then drove over to the concert. It was great!!!! It was awesome to have these little moments, where the crowd would be singing louder than the band, and I'd look up & look around and see nearly a hundred some people praising with all their hearts! It was just great!! And then of course, comes time for some In & Out. Because, let's face it, what is a day without In & Out? Animal fries anyone? ;]

Friday: My dad works with a man who's fiance used to by Point of Grace's manager at Word Records. Point of Grace, for those who don't know, are like the Dixie Chicks of Christian music. There used to be four of the ladies in the group, but one left, and now there's three. In any case, no matter how many there are, their harmonies on each song and intricate melodies are so refreshing. You listen to their music and think "Now that's good singin!" That's real music! Their songs always remind me of my high school choir director - he was a master of harmonies. One song we performed, senior year, had such a complex pattern of contrasting thirds and then they'd slide into a perfect chord it was jaw-dropping! It was in 8 part harmony and it just made you putty in the director's hands. =] Well, that's exactly how Point of Grace is! In fact, here's one of their more complex acappella pieces which I adore, you can take a listen and you'll hear how in tune they are with each other in tone, vowel positioning, just everything!! =]
This song is called All Hail the Power of Jesus' Name

So my dad's coworker has been very good friends with some Word Records people such as (don't mean to name drop) Amy Grant & Vince Gill, Micheal W. Smith & Point of Grace. These are people that I loved ever since I grew up singing their songs! In fact, Best & I used to want to be Point of Grace, "after they died" is what we'd say! =] haha. And he's given us a few CD's autographed by his friends, which we're so grateful for! But recently, he got my family some tickets to go see Point of Grace this passed Friday near my valley. We also got the great honor of getting to go backstage during intermission & meet the ladies and take a few pictures (up on my book of the face, if you're interested in sneaking a peek!) They have this great new song called "Heal the Wound", which I'll post the lyrics to. And it's just about how no matter how great your sin, there's a God who loves you, who's grace is greater than you could imagine.

"'Come now, let us reason together', says the Lord. 'Though your sins are
like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.'"

Isaiah 1:18

The song says "Heal the wound, but leave the scar". After all of our sins, we're left wounded & in need of love & mercy, the kind of redemption that only Christ can give. But if we were given this grace by God, and we went on living in our sins, what good would that do? Christ's love is much more powerful than that, He's freed us from a life of sin, so that we are no longer slaves to sin, but are given new life through Him. By leaving scars of the things we've been through, we can remember how incredibly merciful He is. And it doesn't matter how deep, how scarlet our sins are, our scars are, our lives have been, He makes them white as snow. =]

I used to wish that I could rewrite
history

I used to dream that each mistake could be
erased

Then I could just pretend

I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame
away

Hide all the evidence of who I've been

But it's the memory of

The place You brought me from

That keeps me on my knees

And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar

A reminder of how merciful You are

I am broken, torn apart

Take the pieces of this heart

And heal the wound but leave the
scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of
anything

I don't take pride in what I bring

But I'll build an altar with

The rubble that You've found me in

And every stone will sing

Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar

A reminder of how merciful You are

I am broken, torn apart

Take the pieces of this heart

And heal the wound but leave the
scar

Don't let me forget

Everything You've done for me

Don't let me forget

The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar

A reminder of how merciful You are

I am broken, torn apart

Take the pieces of this heart

And heal the wound but leave the
scar

From: Me

To: All Who Worry

I know that I worry too much. It's been an awful habit of mine, like tapping my foot or making witty, sarcastic jokes, that seems to have been engraved into my being since the younger days. We all have our little habits - sometimes, depending on what they are, they can shape us tremendously. Think: a person with OCD, obviously that's a habit to the extreme. But that compulsion becomes part of that person's identity - thus, since I make witty repartee, I've become bright & entertaining. Hahaha.
In any case, since I was a big eyed little girl, I've always been a worrier warrior - I partially blame my mother, as we all do. I say warrior because sometimes my worrying champions even my own selfish expectations, and I'll begin worrying about others. I'm excellent at worrying, really I am.
The worry of the moment, which I'll share & you'll read about, because you're here, is that I was asked by a friend (*cough Casa cough*) to sing this upcoming Sunday at a church thing. We're going to a Homeless Outreach type event, and he texted me on Tuesday night & said he needed a "lady singer" which is what he always calls us. He then gave me the name of the songs we'd be doing "Before the Throne of God Above" (an old hymn that I love), "Mighty to Save", "Hosanna", "Holy Fire" & "Time Has Come". Now. I. Love. Hillsong. I really do. And I'm waaay looking forward to their concert next week. BUT. In terms of singing solos, they're not really friends of my voice! :P lol I don't know why!? I can sing them, but they're always right between my head voice & the my chest voice, & I haven't yet mastered switching between the two.
The last time I sang worship at church I was so nervous. Mmm. Scratch that. I was the epitome of nervous. And I had to solo "Lead Me to the Cross" which I also love! And then all the other songs I just did bgvs on, so it wasn't that big of a deal. Plus, Casa plays like a rock band, I'm sure you couldn't hear me anyhow!
But for this Sunday, I'm thinkin it's going to be acoustic. AND I doubt there'll be microphone. I sing pretty quietly :/ so I'm nervous. And worried. I don't know 3 of the songs, & I think Casa'll have me solo "Hosanna" (which is difficult for me). I'm extremely nervous, anxious & worried.
So worried in fact that I'm thinking of backing out. Not as a chicken, but as Casa could sound better with someone else. Idk, I'm still messing with the idea. Of course, I'd love your opinion!
Ironically enough, or..not ironically & completely & totally God trying to show me something, I got my morning verse e-mailed to me and it was this:

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be." Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead -- since he was about a hundred years old -- and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. Romans 4:18-21

I only read it once this morning when I sleepily woke up & checked my phone. The way I interpreted it was "don't doubt". There's no need to. That's what faith is for. Now I'm not sure if I still should on Sunday, there's a bit of a time constraint, but it's something I'll definitely pray about (& if you would too, that'd be most appreciated)!
:)
From: Me
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

To: Easter Eggers

Happy Easter everyone! I hope you all had a great day, hopefully spent with your families and loved ones!
I find Easter to be such a tricky day. I mean, to Christians or anyone who believes in Christ as our Savior who died for our sins & then in resurrecting Himself, gave us new life in him...well...this day is pretty pivotal. So much of my faith and what I believe in resides in the events that happened on Easter. So...the death & resurrection of Jesus...to Easter Bunny giving out colored eggs with candy...how exactly does that work?? hahaha. Don't get me wrong, I love any day that instills chocolate as a participant. Which is probably why I thoroughly enjoyed waking up this morning and finding a large chocolate bunny (whom I named Dexter) at my eating disposal. ;] Amen, right? haha.

So I suppose the festivities started on Friday. My church was having a showing of the movie The Passion of the Christ, followed by worship and then communion (although, we never got to communion). When I first saw the movie I was about 14...needless to comment on my mental capacity at that age, I didn't understand much of the details. Who did what? Who was who? Why did that happen? It was really more of an, ok, I see what Jesus went through, that's beyond awful. Well. This time was much different. In terms of viewing the movie, nothing changed. When I was 14 I watched the majority of the movie through my fingers - I covered my face with my hands because the images scared me. This time, though, it wasn't the images so much so that scared me into submission, it was the reality of the event.
I know what happened. He died on the cross for me. I understood that 5 years ago. But there was so much more that was grasped this time. Interestingly enough, my attention was most attained by Mary, Jesus' mother, and what I saw from her in the movie. I tried putting myself in her shoes...having to see her child go through this undeserved pain, not being able to help, not being able to understand why, only knowing that it was God's will. That moved me to tears. In fact, I spent most of the film staring at the ground or just below the screen on the wall. Literally it made me shutter with each whipping sound, or the feeling of rocks being pelted at you, being spit at, being abused & beaten. If you've seen the movie, you know how I felt. It's an amazing movie. Say what you will about the director, the movie is good.
After which, our two worship leaders (who just got engaged, and that deserves an awww) went up on the stage and started with an acoustic set. The girl couldn't even sing, tears choking her words and holding the melody in. The guy stepped up and sang most of it, she occassionally came in, but then her wearied voice would dissipate. Not much of the congregation was singing either. Mostly in prayer, reflection or just disbelief. As the rest of the worship band made their way up to their respected places behind their instruments, they actually all ended up not playing. They were just kind of speechless, motionless. It was like no one knew what to do, or wanted to do nothing but think & pray. The congregation began to outsing the worship leader's voice, which was falling away too. And then before we all knew it, it was just us singing. All you could hear were the people around you, filling the room. And the leaders just fell to their knees. And we kept singing. And then it grew silent for a moment, before the girl began singing "Amazing Grace". The second time around, the last ones left singing broke into harmonies that we all made up on the fly. It was beautiful in every essence of the word. And then once again, the large room grew comfortingly silent. For nearly 20 minutes, it was just quiet. No one said anything. Many fell to their knees too. Many just bowed their heads in reverance. Some held each other, and some stood up alone, holding their heads in their hands and weaping. Tears streamed down my face, recognizing everything I've done, and everything that I still hold my dad accountable for, and realizing that it was all paid for with one man's blood, on one cross. My sins, with my dad's..the ones that I remember, and hold onto. The ones that I feel too proud to forgive, the ones that I can't just let go. And I cried. For thinking that my Father sent His Son to die a horrible death for me! And that if I had been there, years and years ago, that I, or rather we, would've been the ones condemning the very one that we call our Savior.
Everyone got up, one by one, and left at their own timing. By the time I was in the foyer, my stomach felt empty. Empty like I couldn't cry anymore, or like I didn't feel I could hurt any longer - like that was all I had, all I could give.
Which is hardly true. Every day that I wake up and my mind jumps to Caro, or school, or my mental to-do list. Every ounce of energy that I spend on researching a new laptop, or watching Jon & Kate Plus 8...all of that energy, I can give! There's so much I could give. Rephrase: There's so much I have yet to give. It's time I were less selfish and foolish. How often do we wake up and think "Oh! I can't wait to serve someone today!" Let me tell you, that never happens to me. So what's going to change? =] Alot.
There's a Relief Missions foundation that the church & my valley just established. Miraculously stemming from a simple idea to help the homeless & hungry, then within a matter of 5 minutes, the Mission was founded. Two weeks later, it has been million-dollar-ly funded through very crucial support from the city and county. How crazy is that!? In two weeks!? In 5 minutes??! All it took was one idea, and now thousands of hungry in the valley can be fed. Volunteering to pass out food every Wednesday, or donating time & money into purchasing food, are just some of the things that I (& hopefully Caro) will do. But bigger picture: how much can I give?
Not money, food, time, energy, but even the little things! Like, loving my sister more & holding my sarcastic comments back. Being patient with my mom, instead of complaining so much. Showing the same mercy I've been given to my dad. And being a respectful, God-fearing lady (I'm not a woman, I'm a lady!) with Caro - showing him where my heart lies and my passion for Christ, that maybe will stir his own ambitions. Because I want to be a God-fearing-God-loving lady, daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend and wife & mother someday.

Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

Galatians 6:10

From: Me

To: All Who Play Squishy Sardines

Do you know the game squishy sardines? It's like hide & seek but backwards! I recommend it highly and to large groups only!

Squishy Sardines:

OVERVIEW: One person (It) goes & hides. The rest of the group counts to whatever number (or tonight we all faced the garage & sang nursery rhymes) and then separate and try and find It. Once you find It, you go and hide with It wherever It is! The last person to find It, becomes the next round's It! =]

EXAMPLE: One time I was It and hid laying down in the bathtub. Then as people found me they just toppled on top of me! It's a riot!

=] So tonight Caro held a movie night at his house - while he hates hosting things because he gets preoccupied with being a host & doesn't have as much fun - we all had a blast! We never actually ended up watching a movie...haha...I guess that's kind of the point of movie night isn't it? hahaha. Oops. Well, we always get distracted & goofy & even when a movie's on none of us can pay enough attention to care! =P Caro's sister and I made a huge bowl of popcorn (I got a kernel stuck in my throat =\ that happens to me quite often) and there were plenty sodas to go around..aka. excellent snackage! ;] Eventually though we all got the munchies and decided to take a little road trip to get some Mexican food! I introduced some to the glory that is carne asada fries (God really knew what he was doing with that one!!) and there was some table reminiscing - nostalgically sitting around remembering all the high school funnies we went through, witnessed or in some cases caused! Then I drove, yes I drove, Caro, myself & a friend back to his house & we decided to play de squish of le sardinias! ;] haha. Tis was very fun & a personal accomplishment of mine was that I managed to avoid being It! woo!! We were playing outside in Caro's neighborhood which is not at all well lit! Quite eerie actually :\ But anyhow after about an hour & a half of running up and down his street...which is a hill, mind you...it was time for moi to take my out of shape butt back home! =[

Moments like tonight just make me elated & completely happy! I have great friends & we spend a wonderful time together! There are some people in my town that, I'm sure, have nothing better to do than drink, smoke, party or live a life they never thought they'd be trapped in. But none of us are like that! We're all satisfied running around in the middle of the street looking like small children chasing each other with Barbie Jeeps!

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one
another.

1 John 4:11

Honestly blogging, that's one area of my life that I don't think I've ever been neglectful of. I'm so appreciative of my friends...really, I appreciate YOU soooo much!....it's just...a friend that you love is someone who isn't family. They're not blood relatives or second cousins, branches off your family tree. They don't share your same heritage sometimes, traditions and aspirations, but they're people who love you in spite of who you are!! haha. I'm not close to perfect, but these people, all my friends, love me for me. And the best part? They don't have to! Nope! They could care less about me, and I could care less about them...but I don't! I love them, wish them well, respect them, pray for them. They're your friend family you know? Your second family. Brothers & sisters whom you love and love you back! People that God brings into your life for a specific purpose, to teach you, show you, support you, tell you the truth when you don't want to hear it.

Last year, around this time, there was an event at school aimed at preventing teen driver accidents. I lost a friend to a very serious car accident and the images that I saw flooded back that day and I broke down as the rest of my senior class walked past me to 3rd period. One of my great friends, Mimi, hugged me real tight & just let me cry. We had the next class together, it was choir, and as soon as we made it through the doors back from the presentation, we darted straight for the back room. We just sat, I didn't say anything, and she put her arms around me and not only let me cry on her shoulder, but cried with me. At the time, she didn't know why or what had bothered me, but it didn't matter, she was there and she saw me broken - what a true friend, huh? I was broken, and she broke herself too, for my sake. Mimi is one of my only non-Christian friends, but she embodies so much grace and compassion so much so that I know waaay down deep, that it's God working through her. Because that kind of love ONLY comes from Christ!

I have some amazing friends and ever since I was little God would show me His mercy through them, every day, all the time! I'm so incredibly thankful for being blessed with brothers & sisters not only in neighborhood games, but in seeking to be closer to Him, seeking His word and showing me His love. =]

Goodnight everyone! I hope you all had wonderful days & spent them with wonderful friends!

From: Me

To: All Who Are Loved

Tonight, Caro said he loves me. For the first time. I can't even begin to attempt to pick out the perfect word for what I'm feeling or how I felt when he said it! I know the word I'm searching for is somewhere along the lines of ecstatic, happy, overjoyed.

But let's start from the top, shall we?
As most know, but some don't, Caro & I have been friends for 2 years, very close friends for 1 year, liked each other for almost 1 year, and been boyfriend & girlfriend for 2 months, 1 week & 1 day. I never thought I'd be the girl that counted down each day of their relationship, but as it turns out, I am! It took quite alot of prayer & patience to understand what it was that God was doing with the both of us..and sometimes I still don't know completely. But here we are!

So tonight I drove over to Caro's house, we had plans to watch a movie together. We actually have a decision/movie choosing system that we now follow with one another - he picks out the options, and I'll make the final decision! Bodes well for us! =] Anywho, we chose "Grumpy Old Men", I had never seen it before & it was surprisingly cute & funny! We made some snacks together while we watched & then just sat & relaxed. At the end of the movie, as the credits are rolling, this old time bluesy, jazzy song starts playing, something of the likes of Nat King Cole. I jumped up off the couch & smiled at him, he smiled back, got up, took my hand, and we danced. =] We like to dance. We've danced together on a couple of occassions, the first of which was on Valentine's Day with Frank Sinatra playing on his dad's record player.
After we danced, we sat back down for a few minutes before he said "Let's go look at the stars!" And I knew.
I totally knew. After we stopped dancing I could tell he started to get nervous, and then the whole star thing was so out of the blue, that I knew something was up. We went outside and started looking at the stars, and I was so afraid of what he was going to say, I kept trying to move the conversation focul point back to the sky. I kept pointing out stars, while he was trying to talk, until finally he just said it. "I love you."
I jumped up & down like a 3 year old little girl still wearing pigtails, and smiled the biggest smile. I kept giving him hugs & kisses...and then he said "I take it you're not ready to say it back yet?" And I broke apart from our hug & looked at his face - he was scared. I'd never seen him more scared. It was like he'd just handed me his heart, given it to me to hold in my hand, and then the second he had let go, he lost all his strength. I said I wasn't ready to say it yet, but that I was getting there. He remained/remains scared. He said he still means it with all his heart, he's just scared because I didn't say it back.
So, this is to him. Because someday he'll read all of these and someday he'll know that he doesnt't have to be scared.

Dear ,
I never expected it to be you. You were always there, I was always there, but I never would've thought it would be you! After getting to know you, I wished it were you, and I prayed and cried, hoping it were you. I tried talking myself out of feeling for you, but we all know how that ended up! ;]
Last Summer you went from being a friend to one of my best friends. When I was witnessing a Godless relationship fall out of perfection, and couldn't bring myself to understand grace - you showed me mercy and love. You are the one who told me:

I know you're going through a hard time but hold on to the fact that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Sometimes we can't see what the reason is until things have settled back down again. God has a plan for you. Trust Him through the turmoil and the pain. Give Him your heart when life gives you pain and in Him and through Him you'll find your reason and happiness soon.

My world had crashed and my heart had plummeted, then you reminded me to not only trust, but give my heart to Christ completely. So I did, and He kept leading me back to you.
I didn't plan on you, I didn't think you & me was a possibility. I thought we'd only be friends, you thought so too. And then when I turned to a friend for comfort, I found everything I'd prayed for. I've never been treated more kindly, with more respect & care than I have with you! You love God with all your heart, and that's all I could ask - You make me love God more & more every day!
Tonight, after you told me you love me, I felt a surrendering peace. As if my heart gave up trying to be brave and guarded, I just felt safe.

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

The peace of God. That's what I felt! And I can't describe it because it transcends all understanding. The peace of God will guard my heart and mind in Christ the Lord. I don't have to guard my heart, He guards it in His perfect peace because I surrendered it to Him, Him alone, and He continues to bless me with you! =]

So as you & I always say, "this heart hearts you!"

=]

From: Me

To: The New Beatitudes

Anyone who's read Matthew 5:1-11 knows what the Beatitudes are (all the "Blessed are the...") in the Bible. I love them. In fact, I wasn't going to copy them here, but for your sake & my own, I might as well just do it, eh? =]

Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down.

His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them, saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kind of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prohphets who were before you.

I don't know about You, but I get some kind of comfort in reading these. I feel like I'm defended because I know where my heart lies. I'll admit that currently I struggle with the merciful part...which in all honesty is a big part of faith...so what the heck am I doing? haha. I, who need mercy since I woke up this morning, even now as I should be doing my history midterm (:/), why do I have such a hard time giving it?? I'm certain that as time passes and my failure at understanding lessens, I'll have a hardy grasp on what being merciful and showing mercy means. Maybe then I could let you know!

In any case, while I'm a big fan of the B-I-B-L-E that's the book for me, I thought it might be fun to add in my own Beatitudes. These are known as the new Beatitudes [of my life, you may entirely disagree haha]!

1. Blessed are the selfish of heart, for God will whack them upside the head.

2. Blessed are the Morning Glories, (not the flowers) for God continues to show me His grace and beauty in small, simple ways each morning. Without these, I'd be a grump!

3. Blessed are the liars, for God uses us as examples to show His abounding forgiveness.

4. Blessed are the truly sorry of the soul, for God can make them whole again.

5. Blessed are the proud of spirit, for God reminds us that we are foolish and weak (1 Cor. 1) but He chose us, and that is a wake-up call.

6. Blessed are the forgivers, for you have more grace & love for your neighbors than I have yet to achieve.

& now, last one, because I really couldn't resist:

7. Blessed are the clearance & sale racks, for God has shown me that my petty pocket is eternally grateful! ;]

Haha, alright y'all! That was fun!! But I really can't procrastinate much longer...I have a midterm to complete and thankfully I have more time than I thought to complete it! See...God's mercy at work again!

From: Me

To: Manipulators of the Heart

I know a guy who likes this girl. He's liked her for a long time. I've known her for a long time. And in that time, I've seen the person that she is. Not only has she used me, but my friends as well, and we've all given her second chances that turned into third chances that turned into last chances. I'm not one to give up on someone, I always, always believe that there's hope for people whether reality agrees or not.
But, in this particular instance my friendship with her ended the night she gave me an ultimatum - she was dropping me off at home after a night of hanging out and said "Him or me." The Him, she was referring to, was the boy that we both fell for. She also gave him the same ultimatum, "Her, or me." The Her, she referred to, was me. He had feelings for me, and I had feelings for him. That night we both chose each other, and she didn't like that. I told her that if the situation was reversed - if he liked her, not me - wouldn't she jump at the chance to be with him? She said no, which I knew was a lie. And I said that the difference between her & I was that I would never make her choose.
That was the last time I spoke to her. Over the past year, when we were all still friends, my guy friend who continues to like her, became so warped by her that he refuses to see what she's done. In the whole love triangle that occurred she had lied to just about all of us, used all of us against each other, and made us all feel miserable & unloved. The amount of deception that she showed truly surprised me. I never believed that she could be so manipulative. Her strives for attention were carefully thought out & crafted. It was an art for her, it was a game.
So now, this girl has isolated herself. All of the people she mistreated, reasonably, abandoned her. As for myself, as I said I would never make her choose between a guy and her friend, and in fact I never told her we couldn't be friends. She gave me a decision, I chose what I felt, she didn't like my answer, and that was that. The only friend she maintains is the guy that continues to see past what she's done.
Forgiveness is a lesson I was hardened to learn last year - but nevertheless I learned it. Forgetting is something I'm still working on. And it seems the two go hand in hand. So my friend, while he won't talk to me or anyone else about her, has become addicted. I don't know if it's because he's forgiven her, for using him. I don't know if it's because he wants to believe the best in her - a noble concept, for sure. Either way this has become a situation in dire need of understanding.
While she continues to deceive him, use him, lead him on & lie to him, he knowingly continues to be by her side. Like an addict, it's his fix. "I can't help it" he says, "I just can't help but still like her." Making himself feel empty and used but not pausing to see how she's left him, he for whatever reason, has fallen for a Manipulator of the Heart.
Girls and boys love to tease. I believe it's in our nature. Some of us are better at it than others. But somewhere along the line, we all stop and realize what we're doing. We cry & guilt ourselves into becoming better - into not tempting. Well, for my former friend, she still hasn't fallen to this low. This low of deception, realizing what you've done to other people, realizing how you've hurt them, and realizing the person you've become - she hasn't gotten there yet. The hope that remains for her, is that she will fall there. That she will cloud herself in a humility and understanding of what God's salvation has done for our hearts - that we no longer need to hurt others in order to feel loved. That we are loved.
When I think about her, I have to remind myself that my battle is not with her. She's a Christian who seeks God's wisdom, and because of that single fact, I know that God will use her and because of that single fact, I forgive her.
As of now, I worry about my guy friend. It's like a rabbit hole that he peered into and has been falling in ever since - and while he's still falling, he's forgotten to use his voice, to call out for help. The hole is dark and winding deep into the ground, someone has to pull him out, someone's got to throw him that rope to pull him out. But if he's forgotten about himself, and all he can think about is her at the bottom of the hole, then he won't reach for the rope. We can't make him reach for the rope, all we can do is throw it down, and be there for him should he decide to get out.
From: Me

To: All Who Sneeze

As I write this I'm covering myself in Kleenex tissues and sneezing & sniffling my way through the day. I preface that I have an uncanny ability to submit myself to any sickness that travels its way around the atmosphere - honest. The only good thing about my current state is that I've got a doctor's note to be out of school for a week - I believe that deserves an Amen! ;]

Anyhow, for strangers to my writing I should explain that since I write about my life but want to maintain an excellent air of mystery, I use code names or nicknames for characters/real people. Everyone that I write about is real, no situation is fictional (though sometimes I might wish it were), I just like to keep the identity of my loved ones a secret. Afterall, everyone loves a secret!
Late last night Caro Mio & I were texting before I drifted off and he wanted to take me out to lunch today since my sickly residence means lying on the couch sitting in my own germs for 2 days. I was hardly ready by the time Caro got here to pick me up, and all stuffed up in the nosetube, my appearance was less than pleasing I'm sure, although he'd never say so, and all I could do was smile because I had missed him. We stood in my doorway and hugged for not nearly enough because I'd just missed hugging him and being with him. =] *swoon* He took me out to my current absolute favorite lunchtime snack - no plug intended - the McDonald's McDouble burger. If you've never had it, shame on you. Really. Shame! It's delicious, and appetite quenching, and...best part...drum roll...it's on the DOLLAR MENU! =0 Totally starving college student friendly!! Anywho, he was Mr. Wonderful with a McDouble in his hand =]

And now, as I'm still lying on the couch in boredom, I wanted to update before I go away for the weekend!!! Wee!!! =] And of course introduce you, minorly for now, to Caro Mio ;]

Ok bloggers, it's off to eat cake & pasta leftovers! =]
From: Me

To: All Who Love

This is the fifth blog I've created, and along the way I've maintained a love-hate relationship with blogging. Sometimes I'm good at updating, other times I'm nonexistant. I'll look back on what I've written and think I'm a literary genius or the world's most incompetant writer. My only online rhetoric success is most evident in the blog I maintained for nearly 6 months documenting my 2008 Summer-2009 New Year's Day. To some, that may have been an uneventful period, a couple of gained funny holiday stories at the least. However for myself, it was a time of unearthing self-discovery, amounting grace that can most certainly be given only by God, and a relentless love that gave me a fresh start.

Just to keep score, that's 4 usernames & blog titles I carefully & thoughtfully picked out, then had to abandon. This time, with the, albeit premature conception that I'll keep this one, I chose a title that popped into my mind, only hoping it'd be something great. There's no hidden meaning to All Who Love, no notion insisting on complex ideals fueling this site. It's just what flew into my brain and lingered for a few seconds. =]

And that in essence is what I hope I'll be writing about, things that fly in & linger. =]

For today's entry, I'll say this & only this further:
There's a worship song that we sing at church, that has this line in it - "break my heart for what breaks Yours" - a plea for Christ's everlasting compassion. There are plenty of things, I'm sure, that would break God's heart, plenty. But the one that breaks mine, is the hopeless brokenhearted. The one who gave their heart, only to have it be returned to them and only to lose hope of better. Thus, To: All Who Love, Continue to Love & Continue to Hope for Better...

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres. Love never fails.

From: Me