To: All Who Are Loved

Tonight, Caro said he loves me. For the first time. I can't even begin to attempt to pick out the perfect word for what I'm feeling or how I felt when he said it! I know the word I'm searching for is somewhere along the lines of ecstatic, happy, overjoyed.

But let's start from the top, shall we?
As most know, but some don't, Caro & I have been friends for 2 years, very close friends for 1 year, liked each other for almost 1 year, and been boyfriend & girlfriend for 2 months, 1 week & 1 day. I never thought I'd be the girl that counted down each day of their relationship, but as it turns out, I am! It took quite alot of prayer & patience to understand what it was that God was doing with the both of us..and sometimes I still don't know completely. But here we are!

So tonight I drove over to Caro's house, we had plans to watch a movie together. We actually have a decision/movie choosing system that we now follow with one another - he picks out the options, and I'll make the final decision! Bodes well for us! =] Anywho, we chose "Grumpy Old Men", I had never seen it before & it was surprisingly cute & funny! We made some snacks together while we watched & then just sat & relaxed. At the end of the movie, as the credits are rolling, this old time bluesy, jazzy song starts playing, something of the likes of Nat King Cole. I jumped up off the couch & smiled at him, he smiled back, got up, took my hand, and we danced. =] We like to dance. We've danced together on a couple of occassions, the first of which was on Valentine's Day with Frank Sinatra playing on his dad's record player.
After we danced, we sat back down for a few minutes before he said "Let's go look at the stars!" And I knew.
I totally knew. After we stopped dancing I could tell he started to get nervous, and then the whole star thing was so out of the blue, that I knew something was up. We went outside and started looking at the stars, and I was so afraid of what he was going to say, I kept trying to move the conversation focul point back to the sky. I kept pointing out stars, while he was trying to talk, until finally he just said it. "I love you."
I jumped up & down like a 3 year old little girl still wearing pigtails, and smiled the biggest smile. I kept giving him hugs & kisses...and then he said "I take it you're not ready to say it back yet?" And I broke apart from our hug & looked at his face - he was scared. I'd never seen him more scared. It was like he'd just handed me his heart, given it to me to hold in my hand, and then the second he had let go, he lost all his strength. I said I wasn't ready to say it yet, but that I was getting there. He remained/remains scared. He said he still means it with all his heart, he's just scared because I didn't say it back.
So, this is to him. Because someday he'll read all of these and someday he'll know that he doesnt't have to be scared.

Dear ,
I never expected it to be you. You were always there, I was always there, but I never would've thought it would be you! After getting to know you, I wished it were you, and I prayed and cried, hoping it were you. I tried talking myself out of feeling for you, but we all know how that ended up! ;]
Last Summer you went from being a friend to one of my best friends. When I was witnessing a Godless relationship fall out of perfection, and couldn't bring myself to understand grace - you showed me mercy and love. You are the one who told me:

I know you're going through a hard time but hold on to the fact that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Sometimes we can't see what the reason is until things have settled back down again. God has a plan for you. Trust Him through the turmoil and the pain. Give Him your heart when life gives you pain and in Him and through Him you'll find your reason and happiness soon.

My world had crashed and my heart had plummeted, then you reminded me to not only trust, but give my heart to Christ completely. So I did, and He kept leading me back to you.
I didn't plan on you, I didn't think you & me was a possibility. I thought we'd only be friends, you thought so too. And then when I turned to a friend for comfort, I found everything I'd prayed for. I've never been treated more kindly, with more respect & care than I have with you! You love God with all your heart, and that's all I could ask - You make me love God more & more every day!
Tonight, after you told me you love me, I felt a surrendering peace. As if my heart gave up trying to be brave and guarded, I just felt safe.

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

The peace of God. That's what I felt! And I can't describe it because it transcends all understanding. The peace of God will guard my heart and mind in Christ the Lord. I don't have to guard my heart, He guards it in His perfect peace because I surrendered it to Him, Him alone, and He continues to bless me with you! =]

So as you & I always say, "this heart hearts you!"

=]

From: Me

To: The New Beatitudes

Anyone who's read Matthew 5:1-11 knows what the Beatitudes are (all the "Blessed are the...") in the Bible. I love them. In fact, I wasn't going to copy them here, but for your sake & my own, I might as well just do it, eh? =]

Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down.

His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them, saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kind of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prohphets who were before you.

I don't know about You, but I get some kind of comfort in reading these. I feel like I'm defended because I know where my heart lies. I'll admit that currently I struggle with the merciful part...which in all honesty is a big part of faith...so what the heck am I doing? haha. I, who need mercy since I woke up this morning, even now as I should be doing my history midterm (:/), why do I have such a hard time giving it?? I'm certain that as time passes and my failure at understanding lessens, I'll have a hardy grasp on what being merciful and showing mercy means. Maybe then I could let you know!

In any case, while I'm a big fan of the B-I-B-L-E that's the book for me, I thought it might be fun to add in my own Beatitudes. These are known as the new Beatitudes [of my life, you may entirely disagree haha]!

1. Blessed are the selfish of heart, for God will whack them upside the head.

2. Blessed are the Morning Glories, (not the flowers) for God continues to show me His grace and beauty in small, simple ways each morning. Without these, I'd be a grump!

3. Blessed are the liars, for God uses us as examples to show His abounding forgiveness.

4. Blessed are the truly sorry of the soul, for God can make them whole again.

5. Blessed are the proud of spirit, for God reminds us that we are foolish and weak (1 Cor. 1) but He chose us, and that is a wake-up call.

6. Blessed are the forgivers, for you have more grace & love for your neighbors than I have yet to achieve.

& now, last one, because I really couldn't resist:

7. Blessed are the clearance & sale racks, for God has shown me that my petty pocket is eternally grateful! ;]

Haha, alright y'all! That was fun!! But I really can't procrastinate much longer...I have a midterm to complete and thankfully I have more time than I thought to complete it! See...God's mercy at work again!

From: Me

To: Manipulators of the Heart

I know a guy who likes this girl. He's liked her for a long time. I've known her for a long time. And in that time, I've seen the person that she is. Not only has she used me, but my friends as well, and we've all given her second chances that turned into third chances that turned into last chances. I'm not one to give up on someone, I always, always believe that there's hope for people whether reality agrees or not.
But, in this particular instance my friendship with her ended the night she gave me an ultimatum - she was dropping me off at home after a night of hanging out and said "Him or me." The Him, she was referring to, was the boy that we both fell for. She also gave him the same ultimatum, "Her, or me." The Her, she referred to, was me. He had feelings for me, and I had feelings for him. That night we both chose each other, and she didn't like that. I told her that if the situation was reversed - if he liked her, not me - wouldn't she jump at the chance to be with him? She said no, which I knew was a lie. And I said that the difference between her & I was that I would never make her choose.
That was the last time I spoke to her. Over the past year, when we were all still friends, my guy friend who continues to like her, became so warped by her that he refuses to see what she's done. In the whole love triangle that occurred she had lied to just about all of us, used all of us against each other, and made us all feel miserable & unloved. The amount of deception that she showed truly surprised me. I never believed that she could be so manipulative. Her strives for attention were carefully thought out & crafted. It was an art for her, it was a game.
So now, this girl has isolated herself. All of the people she mistreated, reasonably, abandoned her. As for myself, as I said I would never make her choose between a guy and her friend, and in fact I never told her we couldn't be friends. She gave me a decision, I chose what I felt, she didn't like my answer, and that was that. The only friend she maintains is the guy that continues to see past what she's done.
Forgiveness is a lesson I was hardened to learn last year - but nevertheless I learned it. Forgetting is something I'm still working on. And it seems the two go hand in hand. So my friend, while he won't talk to me or anyone else about her, has become addicted. I don't know if it's because he's forgiven her, for using him. I don't know if it's because he wants to believe the best in her - a noble concept, for sure. Either way this has become a situation in dire need of understanding.
While she continues to deceive him, use him, lead him on & lie to him, he knowingly continues to be by her side. Like an addict, it's his fix. "I can't help it" he says, "I just can't help but still like her." Making himself feel empty and used but not pausing to see how she's left him, he for whatever reason, has fallen for a Manipulator of the Heart.
Girls and boys love to tease. I believe it's in our nature. Some of us are better at it than others. But somewhere along the line, we all stop and realize what we're doing. We cry & guilt ourselves into becoming better - into not tempting. Well, for my former friend, she still hasn't fallen to this low. This low of deception, realizing what you've done to other people, realizing how you've hurt them, and realizing the person you've become - she hasn't gotten there yet. The hope that remains for her, is that she will fall there. That she will cloud herself in a humility and understanding of what God's salvation has done for our hearts - that we no longer need to hurt others in order to feel loved. That we are loved.
When I think about her, I have to remind myself that my battle is not with her. She's a Christian who seeks God's wisdom, and because of that single fact, I know that God will use her and because of that single fact, I forgive her.
As of now, I worry about my guy friend. It's like a rabbit hole that he peered into and has been falling in ever since - and while he's still falling, he's forgotten to use his voice, to call out for help. The hole is dark and winding deep into the ground, someone has to pull him out, someone's got to throw him that rope to pull him out. But if he's forgotten about himself, and all he can think about is her at the bottom of the hole, then he won't reach for the rope. We can't make him reach for the rope, all we can do is throw it down, and be there for him should he decide to get out.
From: Me

To: All Who Sneeze

As I write this I'm covering myself in Kleenex tissues and sneezing & sniffling my way through the day. I preface that I have an uncanny ability to submit myself to any sickness that travels its way around the atmosphere - honest. The only good thing about my current state is that I've got a doctor's note to be out of school for a week - I believe that deserves an Amen! ;]

Anyhow, for strangers to my writing I should explain that since I write about my life but want to maintain an excellent air of mystery, I use code names or nicknames for characters/real people. Everyone that I write about is real, no situation is fictional (though sometimes I might wish it were), I just like to keep the identity of my loved ones a secret. Afterall, everyone loves a secret!
Late last night Caro Mio & I were texting before I drifted off and he wanted to take me out to lunch today since my sickly residence means lying on the couch sitting in my own germs for 2 days. I was hardly ready by the time Caro got here to pick me up, and all stuffed up in the nosetube, my appearance was less than pleasing I'm sure, although he'd never say so, and all I could do was smile because I had missed him. We stood in my doorway and hugged for not nearly enough because I'd just missed hugging him and being with him. =] *swoon* He took me out to my current absolute favorite lunchtime snack - no plug intended - the McDonald's McDouble burger. If you've never had it, shame on you. Really. Shame! It's delicious, and appetite quenching, and...best part...drum roll...it's on the DOLLAR MENU! =0 Totally starving college student friendly!! Anywho, he was Mr. Wonderful with a McDouble in his hand =]

And now, as I'm still lying on the couch in boredom, I wanted to update before I go away for the weekend!!! Wee!!! =] And of course introduce you, minorly for now, to Caro Mio ;]

Ok bloggers, it's off to eat cake & pasta leftovers! =]
From: Me

To: All Who Love

This is the fifth blog I've created, and along the way I've maintained a love-hate relationship with blogging. Sometimes I'm good at updating, other times I'm nonexistant. I'll look back on what I've written and think I'm a literary genius or the world's most incompetant writer. My only online rhetoric success is most evident in the blog I maintained for nearly 6 months documenting my 2008 Summer-2009 New Year's Day. To some, that may have been an uneventful period, a couple of gained funny holiday stories at the least. However for myself, it was a time of unearthing self-discovery, amounting grace that can most certainly be given only by God, and a relentless love that gave me a fresh start.

Just to keep score, that's 4 usernames & blog titles I carefully & thoughtfully picked out, then had to abandon. This time, with the, albeit premature conception that I'll keep this one, I chose a title that popped into my mind, only hoping it'd be something great. There's no hidden meaning to All Who Love, no notion insisting on complex ideals fueling this site. It's just what flew into my brain and lingered for a few seconds. =]

And that in essence is what I hope I'll be writing about, things that fly in & linger. =]

For today's entry, I'll say this & only this further:
There's a worship song that we sing at church, that has this line in it - "break my heart for what breaks Yours" - a plea for Christ's everlasting compassion. There are plenty of things, I'm sure, that would break God's heart, plenty. But the one that breaks mine, is the hopeless brokenhearted. The one who gave their heart, only to have it be returned to them and only to lose hope of better. Thus, To: All Who Love, Continue to Love & Continue to Hope for Better...

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres. Love never fails.

From: Me